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Anxiously Waiting

As my upcoming appointment at UC Davis for a second opinion approaches I can't help but feel a little anxious. These past few months I feel like I have been repeatedly ramming myself into a brick wall trying to get answers. I have taken notebooks full of questions into the hematologist and the only consistent word I have heard is no. There has been no explanation or reasoning behind it, just no. I am fighting tooth and nail to get an answer about what is going on with my body and what we can do so that I can start living life. Honestly, I haven't really been living. I think I've been going through the motions. I have missed out on my first two years of high school and numerous social events because of my bleeding disorder and honestly, I'm over it. I am so over living my life trapped within the world that is my bleeding disorder. I am ready to live a life where my disorder is not all of me. It will always be a part of me, I understand and accept that, but I need it to not constantly consume me. I'd love to be optimistic and hopeful about my upcoming appointment but I also feel afraid. I am so afraid that it is going to be the same song and dance that has been my life since I was diagnosed. I am terrified that I'll be challenged with the same wall that I've been struggling with the last few years. In the back of my mind I know I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown at me but in the meantime... it's been hard to keep a calm, open mind. I know that all I can do is walk into that appointment with my facts and my story and my questions and that I have to advocate for myself and that anything beyond is out of my control. I know that in the end, regardless, I'll be a stronger person and that all of this is preparing me for "the real world". I know that at the end of the day these experiences are pushing me to be a better advocate in the community and a better, more well rounded person. I know that whatever happens, happens and that we'll deal with it. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic and stay positive...we'll see how it all turns out.

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