My Body is Not My Own

It's not a secret that one of the less glamorous symptoms of bleeding disorders in women is menorrhagia. *Menorrhagia is described as heavy periods, lasting upwards of 7 days with the presence of large clots for more than one day of your period. For women, it's often taboo to talk about our cycles and what our bodies go through every month. But having a bleeding disorder complicates the secrecy that so many women strive for.

For me, my periods have always been the most challenging aspect of my bleeding disorder. Like most females with BD's, I've been placed on vigorous courses of hormones to attempt to place a band aid on my body's 'normal' physiology. My last round of oral contraceptives was a low dose estrogen tablet that was used as a last ditch effort before deciding to place a Mirena IUD. I was 14, so in addition to my already (naturally) imbalanced hormones, my body was shocked by this new influx of estrogen. I immediately recognized that what was happening with my body was out of my control. I stopped sleeping. I was no longer able to cope with my anxieties. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest at any moment. Ultimately, I became so overwhelmed and depressed that I no longer wanted to live. My body wasn't my own.

It was then that I stopped taking the estrogen. I didn't consult my adolescent GYN or my parents, (**Note: I'm not a doctor. Please consult your care team before deciding to stop medications) because I knew that despite what they would have said, I couldn't bear to take the hormones any longer. Since then, I've refused to take any additional estrogen. 

Unfortunately, this decision has negatively impacted my quality of life over the last 4 years. After 3 hospitalizations in the last 4 months for my period, it was decided that I no longer had any other option than to start a high dose estrogen tablet. My body's hormones have been so out of whack these last few months, and I've fought so hard to avoid the one medication that I've viewed as my enemy since my early teenage years. Sadly, I could no longer avoid it. 

I started the estrogen about a week ago. I've already started to see a change in myself. I'm having problems sleeping. My anxiety, while still manageable, seems to be triggered by the smallest things. I've developed pains in my abdomen that take my breath away with certain movements. Once again, my body is not my own.

While I'd love to stop the medication, I know that long term, this is my best option. I refuse to get a hysterectomy at 18 years old. I've fought, since the idea was first purposed at age 13, to avoid 'The Big H' at any cost. I won't back down against my body. I will continue to fight to achieve my own kind of normalcy. While I'm struggling at the moment with my body's reactions to this new medication and while I feel incredibly out of control, I know that it's temporary and that I will make it through this. 

*http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/menorrhagia/basics/symptoms/con-20021959